The early years…

I sometimes sit alone and think about my life as a child. Sometimes I imagine what would life be like if I did have a normal childhood. Would I still have this disease of addiction? Would I still be depressed all the time? I will never know, all I can do is move forward and live my life to the fullest, the way God wants me to. As I child I was brought up to hold everything in, “No one needs to know our business,” that’s what my mom and step dad would always tell me. So at a early age I was trained to hold in emotions and not express them. I was the oldest so I was supposed to be tough not only for myself but for my brothers and sisters. My mom was a drug addict, my dad was a drug addict, as well as my step dad. I lived the life they showed me back then. It was ok to get drunk and pass out or stay up all night all doped up. That was the norm for my parents. When I was younger I thought it was pretty cool that my parents would not watch us or worry about where I was. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted. But as I got older I wanted that security, I saw all my friends’s parents care about there kids, I wanted that. Not saying my parents didnt love me, but it wasnt the love I wanted. The bonding wasnt there, I was missing that. I used to hold alot of resentment towards my parents for a long time, but as I became sober from alcohal I began to realize that resentment is not the answer to the way I want to live my life. I want peace, and damn it I deserve it. Today I love my kids and hope they never get to see the dad I used to be during my alcoholism ever again.

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