Today was not a good day. Sometimes I forget in recovery we are constantly on a rollercoaster, we go up and down. Well today my coaster had a deep fall, my emotions were all over the place, and feeling down. When I was drinking this was an everyday occurrence for me, I could never get myself out of that hole no matter how hard I tried. I am glad I had this feeling today because it reminded me where I dont want to be, and gave me a glimpse of what will happen if I do drink again. We have to remember that during recovery days like this will happen to us, it’s how we deal with these emotions that creates a successful recovery.
The holiday season can be rough for most of us struggling with addiction. There are alot of family gatherings, alcohal and in some cases drugs that are around during this time. With all these being possible triggers, there are also big emotions that come with all this. Most of the time they are happy emotions but in some cases they could be very sad and emotional. It is very important to have a game plan in hand during this time. Know what you are going to get yourself into, and be prepared for different scenarios that may arise. As for me I like to set boundaries so I know what I am walking into. For example if there is going to be alcohal at one of my family members houses than I would like to know. That way I am prepared and if it gets to hard I could have an exit plan. As far as turning down alcohal during this time, I sometimes politely decline, or sometimes make an excuse to why I cant drink. Most of the time I am very honest and will explain the real reason why I cant drink. The most important thing is to he careful during this time of year and enjoy these times with family and friends.
I sometimes sit alone and think about my life as a child. Sometimes I imagine what would life be like if I did have a normal childhood. Would I still have this disease of addiction? Would I still be depressed all the time? I will never know, all I can do is move forward and live my life to the fullest, the way God wants me to. As I child I was brought up to hold everything in, “No one needs to know our business,” that’s what my mom and step dad would always tell me. So at a early age I was trained to hold in emotions and not express them. I was the oldest so I was supposed to be tough not only for myself but for my brothers and sisters. My mom was a drug addict, my dad was a drug addict, as well as my step dad. I lived the life they showed me back then. It was ok to get drunk and pass out or stay up all night all doped up. That was the norm for my parents. When I was younger I thought it was pretty cool that my parents would not watch us or worry about where I was. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted. But as I got older I wanted that security, I saw all my friends’s parents care about there kids, I wanted that. Not saying my parents didnt love me, but it wasnt the love I wanted. The bonding wasnt there, I was missing that. I used to hold alot of resentment towards my parents for a long time, but as I became sober from alcohal I began to realize that resentment is not the answer to the way I want to live my life. I want peace, and damn it I deserve it. Today I love my kids and hope they never get to see the dad I used to be during my alcoholism ever again.
I sit here grateful for the life I have now. I never used to be like this, I mean shit I didnt even know how to love myself nor anyone else. I used to wake up each and everyday mad and angry for no apparent reason. I wouldnt even have to have a reason to be mad I just was. I thought that was normal, well for me that is. I always knew something was wrong with me but couldn’t figure out what that was. I thought maybe it was my childhood and how I grew up, or I thought hmmm maybe I am just broken. No matter how much I thought about it, it just made me more mad and angry, which made me hate myself more. This went on for years, and when I say years I am talking about from the age of 16 to 33 years of age. It wasnt until the end of my drinking days where I began to realize it wasnt just me, nor my childhood it was my disease of addiction, the evil shadow of alcoholism. As I began to realize this I knew I had a problem and I needed to fix it. Since the beginning of my sobriety I have seen a huge difference in my attitude and way of life. Its as if I was reborn and opening my eyes for the first time and seeing the world. I can actually feel again and love again, things I couldn’t do before. The normal routine of just waking up and being happy to start your day I get to finally experience that. I wouldnt change this feeling for anything in the world, this is my new beginning, and I will never give up…
Thanks for joining me!
I invite you into my journey of addiction and now sobriety, and my willingness to fight each and everyday for my life.